I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
