great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize