I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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