I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
