Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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