my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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