he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
