the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
