What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
