Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
