I think I died a long time ago.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I need moral support for this bender
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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