I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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