I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
