Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
