my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
