i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
