I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
