I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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