I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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