My girlfriend figured out who you are.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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