I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
