I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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