Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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