I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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