Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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