You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
this boner is exhausting
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
