R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
