best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
