I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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