I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
