Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
