Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
