My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize