My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
