so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
