Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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