you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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