My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
