he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize