I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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