the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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