woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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