and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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