my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
