why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i came on her dog
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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