I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
