Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My ATM looks so different sober.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
