i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
