Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
