Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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