When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
