Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
