if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you didnt know i had herpes?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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