Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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