I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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