Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
