dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
