i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
