just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
