Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize