a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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