can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
