It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
