At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize