put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Randomize