I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
