I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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