I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Randomize