My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
