how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
